Love

Hello World,

I need to process some things so I am going to do what I do best, write it out. After my therapy session on Monday, I have had a lot to think about. I thought about love, relationships, friendships, and my overall look on life. The reoccurring thing that has been brought up in previous therapy sessions was my fear of love. You see, in the past I find myself attracting/being attracted to unhealthy relationships. I see the red flags and your girl ignores them completely. Why? Because she so desperately wants to be in love, and experience the love that is written in books and seen in movies. The issue is that I don't know if that exists.

I think my biggest fear is giving my power to someone, and when I say power I really mean my heart. Allowing someone to have that much "power" over me is scary. It is something that I am trying to work through in therapy. This idea of a power dynamic is ingrained in me. I haven't had the best examples of what love looks like or what it is supposed to look like. Hell, is there even a "perfect" picture of love? I don't know I just wish I had a better picture of something that I am striving for. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell the adults in my life "Hey! I'm watching what you're doing! You're going to be a reference point for me one day!. But that isn't possible now, is it? I want to be an example of what love can be for my future children but I can't do that if I don't know what it looks like.

Do I have to forge my own path? Create a love that makes sense to me? The thought of my worthiness comes into question. Am I worthy of love? Do I deserve it? Am I ready for it? I think the last question is the most imperative one, am I ready for love? If the love of my life were directly in my face would I recognize him? Would I see him for what he is? And what we could be? Or would I run? Have doubts? Question him, our relationship? Myself? How do you know that someone is "the one" for you? Is it an instinctual feeling? Is it innate? Based on what I have seen growing up, would I recognize love?

Let's break it down some more. What is love? I know that it is a strong feeling for someone. To me, love is when you deeply care for someone and their well being. You want the best for them, you want them to succeed, you want their hopes and dreams to come true. You just love them. Have I experienced love like this? Of course! I have received it back? Not consistently, romantically, or with a select few family members. Maybe that is what my issue with love is, I haven't received the level of love that I give out, back. Maybe this is why I feel like I don't deserve it (hello breakthrough!). Is that who the one is? Someone who reciprocates the love that you give back? If that is the case maybe I have crossed paths with my "one"? Maybe he does exist. I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, this causes distance in my relationships. It causes distance with myself. It creates a lack of trust with myself, and if you can't trust yourself who can you trust besides God?

I could possibly see myself giving my heart to someone who reciprocates the love that I give to them, back to myself. Is that selfish? To want to be in an equal partnership? To want to be equally loved? Equally, cared for? If so then maybe I can trust someone with my heart. But then again, can I? I keep getting my hopes up only to have them let down again, which is I guess my heart is so guarded, and why I am always questioning myself. It's like dipping your toe in a cold pool on a hot summer day. At first, you don't want to but once you dip your toe in and get comfortable, you end up jumping in. Is that what falling in love is like? You're scared at first but when you're ready to jump in, you jump in? Is that it?

I wouldn't say my outlook is hopeful. It's kind of ironic that someone who loves others so hard, doesn't feel like they deserve to be loved too. Have I found the person that makes me feel this way? I think I have, but then again I don't know. I have my doubts, I think when it comes to love I honestly don't think I deserve it. This isn't where I need to be told that I do, or have people call or text me to see if I'm okay (I'm okay, alright?!). I just haven't been given reason to believe that I do. One of the only people that could really guide me on this topic is gone. So, I have to figure this out on my own and it sucks. Maybe I should do a survey, what is it like to be loved? What does it feel like to be loved? Maybe that will help answer my question, help me confront my fear, face it head-on.

I have a few simple things that I look for in a partner, I would list my qualifications but I'd rather keep them to myself or to my tribe. Am I willing to settle if they don't meet the criteria on my list? Is that what people call settling? Maybe that is why I am afraid of love? I have seen so many great men and women settle for less than what they deserve. I don't want to be a part of that category. I want what I deserve and I want to be that for someone else. You know? But what if that day never comes? Or what if that day is now and I am being narrow-sighted and missing my opportunity? What do I do then? Is there a handbook on this? Like damn. When you don't have the best examples of these things then how do you know what to look for. How do you know what to look for without being naive or being taken advantage of? I have so many questions and so few answers.

Maybe it is up to God and the universe to allow things to align in place for me to find my "one" or to see my "one" for who he truly is. Maybe our paths have crossed or are crossing. What if I think I've found him? Do I question it like I am now? Or do I embrace it, allow it to happen? Do I stay instead of running from it? I don't know I wish I had the answers I really do. Maybe this is something that my know-it-all self isn't supposed to know. Maybe I can't know it all (that would be nice though). I think I need, no, I know I need patience. The answer isn't going to come to me in a day, or while I am writing this, although I did have an awesome breakthrough (yay me!). I think this is all my brain can handle for a day. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Another day as an adult (who questions love (again and again).......damn,

Tasha