Hello World!
******This is a sensitive post about mental health, viewer discretion is advised*****
With the ups and downs that come with bipolar disorder there is something about the downs that can be deep and dark. If you have ever seen the movie "Get Out" then I would equate it to the sunken place. It is in that sunken place that things do feel isolating and lonely. Even though you feel alone and isolated there is one thing that accompanies you, at least in my experience, your inner voice.
The mind and inner voice can be a powerful thing, it can inspire you, motivate you, encourage you, and it can also tell you ugly things about yourself, things that you wish you never heard. In my "sunken place" there are times where I have told myself that I am dumb, ugly, stupid, unloveable, worthless, and undeserving. There are times when I've told myself that I am a waste of space on this earth, that I don't belong here, that I am unloved, that no one cares for me or loves me, that people can see through me, that I am a fraud, a fake, and imposter.
When I was younger, I used to let those thoughts win. Well, I'll get right to it. I've thought about ending my life several times throughout my life or self-harming again. I think it is at something that is uncomfortable to talk about, read about, and even write about. But for the sake of others it needs to be done. I rarely talk about this not because it makes me uncomfortable but because of how it makes others feel. Because of how people look at me afterward. That look of fear, the look that makes me feel frail, delicate, breakable. The look that only adds to the inner voice that tells me I am a burden. But, after losing my father to suicide, I realized I could never do the same.
On April 21, 2014 my father took his own life, and it shook my family to its core. We were broken, shattered, scared, hurt, angry, sad, and alone. My dad like me battled with Bipolar Disorder, and was diagnosed before he passed away. It is a wound that some days feels healed and some days it feels as if it had just happened. There will always be questions of what if, what if we could have saved him from himself, what if we could have helped him, what if we could have stopped him, got him the proper help. What if? Knowing these emotions, these feelings, and the hurt and pain that my family went through is the voice that silences out the noise.
I love my family, most days I love my life and who I am. I know that I have a purpose on this earth and a gift that needs to be shared with others. I know my life matters. And despite what the voices in my head say I do deserve to be here. I didn't come to this realization on my own. It took a lot of therapy, and honestly, continual therapy to work through these thoughts, this negative inner voice I have. But surrounding myself with love, and allowing myself to know that I am loved is helpful. It's healing.
I write this not to worry anyone, I have a system and a tribe in place for when these thoughts darken. I know who I can go to, who I can run to, and I am slowly being equipped with the battle armor that will be necessary to fight away these thoughts. Talking about this is important, you don't know who needs to see, or hear your story. You don't know who needs you to stay on this earth. You don't know whose life you're meant to change. You don't know. So I urge you if you have these thoughts reach out for help. You'd be surprised at the resources that are available to you. Belong I have added information about the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I urge you to use it when you are in your "sunken place". Remember, YOU matter, YOUR life matters, and WE needed you. YOU are loved and needed on this earth.
Another day as an adult (who has lived in the "sunken place")........damn,
Tasha
Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
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