Healthy Tasha: Part 8

Let's talk about food and my unhealthy relationship with it. Food loves me and I love food, it is an amazingly toxic relationship. I know the way I eat food is not okay but I continue my eating habits anyway. 

I don't like to self-diagnose, but I do binge eat, a lot. Sometimes I feel like it is more than the average human. Ever since I can remember I have had this type of relationship with food. When I am stressed out I eat, when I am happy I eat, when I am frustrated I eat, when I am bored I eat, when I am sad I eat, when I am in a great mood I eat, and when I am in a bad mood..you guessed it! I eat. I have tried everything to curb this need and all of these haven't worked. I have joined overeaters anonymous, a great resource just not for me. I have tried going on diets that would decrease the opportunity for me to binge eat, and I'd end up binge eating anyway. I think about food all the time, my day relies on what I am going to eat and when. It's scary, I feel out of control when it comes to my body. 

This isn't a post because I have overcome this hurdle, this a post that I'm human and I struggle with things too. I am trying to hard to be a healthy Tasha. I work out five to six days a week, but I can't control my eating. Which negates all the hard work I do in the gym. It is so frustrating, I give my all in the gym, I give it my blood sweat and tears and when I get home I eat every and anything. 

 I am working on not beating myself up for this behavior, I am going to therapy, I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat and when I eat it. I track what I and I track when I overeat. I try to connect to the emotion that I am feeling and trying to see how I can deal with this emotion without eating my feelings. 

I honestly think that my initial relationship with food went sour when I was ten. I know why and when it happened, I just don't know why it continued to carry on. I had a family member constantly shame me for what I ate and how much I ate. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I finished my food even if I was full. I had to eat other people's food because it would be rude not to, even when I wasn't hungry. I became food insecure if that is even a thing. Which has lead me to eat by myself if I can and quickly if I can. I don't want anyone to see me eat, I don't want anyone to judge the way I eat. I don't want to be shamed for getting seconds, or not eating enough. When I do go out to eat with friends, family, or on dates, I time my eating. I try to make my sips of water happen a second or two after their sip of water. I watch how many bites they take and I try to take one less bite than they do. If they take a bite I wait for a second or two to take a bite. If they are full, I'm full even if I am still hungry. I try not to suggest dessert unless someone else brings it up. I don't want to see "fat". 

I'm not trying to blame anyone for the reason why I overeat, and like I said, I overeat. However, other factors could have contributed to me overeating as well. Where do I go from here? Who knows. After writing this out I see that I have a problem. It's scary to write this and I can visually see that I have a problem. But as you are a part of my world I don't want to hide something that consumes so much of my life from you. So yea, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for reading, and I hope I Can include this as a part of my healthy journey as well. I will not let this have control over me anymore and I will not allow this to have power over me anymore.

Another day as an adult (who was scared to share this with you).....damn,

Tasha