Hello World!
Let's dive right in......I've always had a nervous, anxious side for as long as I can remember. My most prominent memory of being called out on this anxiousness as when I was in first grade. I used to bite my nails, all the time, like all the time. But, I never noticed that I did it until my teacher pointed it out to my class and to my parents. But it wasn't called anxiety it was just called a distraction, or a bad habit. Up until recently three years ago I would pick at the skin around my nails, bite them, pull at/out my eyelashes, and bite my lip when I was nervous. I didn't have my first anxiety attack until I was ten.
I remember it like it was yesterday. We had gone to church that Sunday and our pastor preached about the devil, he talked about hell and for a ten-year-old it was scary. I tried going to bed that night and I had what I thought were dreams but my eyes were open. I had this fear that the devil was going to get me, my family, my friends. I kept thinking about if the doors were locked in the house, if I closed my door all the way so he wouldn't get in, I hid under the covers would he see me? I started to have difficulty breathing and I was scared. I screamed, I cried. My mom came rushing to me and comforted me. But that moment is still scarring. My first anxiety attack and I couldn't even put a name to it.
I don't really think that there is a moment where moment when I wasn't anxious. I would always think about what others thought about me obsessively, I would stress over things that happened years ago, I would have fears that something bad would happen, or that something would be taken away from me. It was a crippling fear, something that I would stare at the ceiling and think about at night. It wasn't until I was seventeen that things all started to come together....but that is something I will talk about next week!
Another day as an adult (with anxiety).........damn,
Tasha
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