Loneliness

Hello World,

I feel like my posts for the past week have been a little bit on the sad side and this definitely doesn't help. I was listening to Therapy for Black Girls this morning on the episode on loneliness (https://therapyforblackgirls.com/podcast/)Episode 156)), and when I tell you it was good, it was GOOD! There were three different types of loneliness that were talked about and I don't want to ruin it since I want you to listen to it, but they hit home for me.

There's this fear of rejection because you're lonely and since you are lonely and want to socially interact with others, you shy away from them in fear of rejection which would make you feel lonelier. After listening to the podcast I realized that I rekindled a lot of past friendships and relationships because I was lonely. I was afraid of being on my own, and instead of being okay with being on my own, I filled the gap with people who shouldn't necessarily be there. Now as I am moving about life and re-evaluating my relationships and friendships I am coming to the conclusion that I should let some friendships go. That is a hard thing to think about and for someone like me (a people pleaser) it is a hard thing to do.

Is there a proper way to end a friendship or relationship? Does the whole "Hey it's me, not you" thing work in that circumstance? Or do you kind of suffer through it? I can honestly think of a few friendships that I am currently in that I need to let go of. I am not fulfilled, I am the caretaker in these relationships and I have allowed myself to become one. Honestly speaking, I like the feeling of being needed, it makes me feel worthy, and yes I am also working on this in therapy (there's a long list of things to work on). Anywho, I am understanding that I allowed others to become comfortable with me always jumping to their beck and call, to me always being available, to me always saying "yes" that as I am starting to say"no", or putting myself first is creating a strain on the relationship. It begs the question, why am I in these relationships in the first place? I know the answer to that question without having to go to therapy to figure that out. Again I like to feel needed, wanted, and not in a sexual way. I get fulfilled by taking care of others. Maybe that is why I plan on entering the helping profession.

I was talking to my sister about this too. At my age how the hell do you make new friends? It was easier in elementary school, middle school (kinda), and high school. But now? Do you go up to someone and say "Hey! Let's be friends"? No, that's weird in my eyes. Maybe I need to find likeminded people this time, with the same desires, and ambitions as me, or find friends going into the same field as me. Maybe that is what I need. I find myself in relationships that are starting to shift, I don't know if the other person can feel it, or sense it but I can. I can see the shifting in our timelines, and as much as I want to let go, I can't. I don't know what my circle would look like, let alone my tribe. Yeah, that's the sucky part about this. I have to re-evaluate my tribe, and that is going to suck. Maybe I don't necessarily have to end these relationships but I have to create a shift in how the relationship is running. Slowly remove these people from my tribe and put them in the outer circle. It sounds horrible but I don't intend on it sounding that way. I mean instead of being so close-knit, maybe it is time for these relationships to become more casual, more like acquaintances.

I think part of my re-evaluation has to do with some of my tribe members' understanding of what life will be like when I am in nursing school. Nursing school is my dream, and I have my eye on the prize. I know what I want and I do intend to go after it. I don't plan on letting anything or anyone stop me. And unfortunately, some of them haven't been as understanding as I thought they would be. I have explained that nursing school will be my friend, family, boyfriend, you name it (besides God). It's my main focus for the next few years. And as much as it sucks, and as scary as it is for me I can't let things get in the way of that. This feels liberating and extremely selfish at the same time. But I rarely do things for myself since I am always putting others first. This is wanted and this is needed. So here's to me, living my dream, and hoping for the best. Wish me luck!

Another day as an adult (who is trying).........damn,

Tasha