Hello World!
I know it has been a minute since you have heard from me and so so sooo appreciate your patience with me! Since 2020 is over I thought I would end it with a recap of what this year has been like, things I am grateful for, and things I plan to work on in 2021.
First up I passed my first official semester of nursing school!! Woohooo!! Yay me! This has been such a hard semester! It has pushed me to my limits and has really tested my faith in myself. I realized that I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I keep trying and believing in myself. I know that sounds cliche but it’s true! I have had a really hard time believing in myself. I have had a hard time, having faith in myself, and I fought a lot, and when I say a lot I mean a lot of imposter syndrome. I know this is my calling and my purpose and I need to have faith that this will all work out for me.
I have experienced loss as well. Whether that be a loss of a friend, loved one, or a relationship. I realized that life is way too short to waste time doing what you hate instead of doing what you love. I lost an inspirational woman this year. And while I feel selfish for losing her since she wasn’t technically blood, but she loved me as her own grandchild so I think this is why this loss hurt so bad. To get to my point she lived every minute to the fullest. Everything had a purpose, she lived in her calling and I can only aspire to do the same. I want to exude purpose and passion when I am doing what I love. I love helping people and while at times I would get frustrated helping her because I thought I wasn’t helping her enough. Despite my occasional frustration, I loved every moment of it. And I loved spending time with her. She reminded me time and time again of why I want to go into this field. And for that, I am forever grateful. So thank you Ms. Marie
I have realized that there are some friendships that need a shift. And since I hate confrontation with a burning passion, I have been able to distance myself in my opinion in a respectful manner. Nursing school has shown me who my true friends are and who truly supports me. I was surprised when I learned that some of my friends were upset with me because I was spending so much time studying and focusing on school. As if it were some kind of inconvenience. I need to put myself on the forefront instead of putting myself on the back burner (shoutout to therapy for that one). Honestly, I don’t intend on changing anything, I actually plan to go ten times harder for school. I allowed certain distractions in and I know if I hadn’t I would have probably gotten the grade I wanted. This means that I will have my blinders on and continue to eat sleep and breathe school. I as of 2021 I will have two semesters left of nursing school and as scary as that is, it is also so exciting! I know that my dream is so close to being obtainable that I can’t help but be excited! SO to get back to my point I have noticed a shift in friendships, while I haven’t fully called people out on it, I have made a mental note to watch friendships that are slipping away when I have stopped making efforts to reach out. Not on purpose but because again I have had my blinders on when it comes to school. Soooo I think that is it for friendships.
My love life has been pretty interesting. I realized that it’s okay to let things go instead of holding on to things that need to be let go of. I realized I have a lot of work to do, and it isn’t something I am going to run from but something to run towards. So I have been utilizing therapy to navigate these thoughts and things I call my weak areas, things that I know I can work on. Things that I know I can change. I am working on letting love happen and not pushing it away in fear of being rejected or hurt. I am working on understanding that it is okay to love and allow someone else to love you. I also learned that I experience a relationship with imposter syndrome. I don’t feel like I deserve love and that the person who loves me will realize that I am not worth loving (yes, I know I need to work on my self-esteem). I used to talk about my love life on here but seeing how that worked out I am definitely going to keep it under wraps for now. Will I continue to talk about love? Yes but my love life will be hidden for a while until I have any important updates. I realized that I don’t have to share everything with the world, because for some reason when I do that, the thing I am excited about goes to crap (usually do to self-sabotage). And while I want to shout things off the rooftops I know I can’t I have to keep it to myself for now.
I also am working on forgiveness and closure this year and next year. I reached out to someone from my past, someone who has caused a lot of hurt and changed the way I viewed myself at such a young age. I haven’t heard from them yet. I thought that after I reached out I would feel different, you know? I am realizing I gave this person more power than they deserved, I let them have this invisible hand on my life and I am learning that God and myself hold the power over my life. So as much as I wanted closure I need to find it within myself. And I am working on that. I want to get healthy Tasha up and going again but I need to make sure I am in an appropriate headspace first.
I feel like I’ve been rambling. Okay so here’s a list of things I am grateful for that this year had brought me:
1) God (numero uno of course)
2) Clarity
3) Purpose
4) Passing my first semester of nursing school (yay me)
5) Closeness with my family (growth among relationships)
6) New Friendships
7) New Relationships
8) Understanding my own will power
9) Increasing my self-love
10) Increasing my faith in myself
Things I want to change in 2021:
1) My faith in God (strengthen it)
2) My trust in myself
3) Boundaries (getting more comfortable with saying no)
4) Sticking with my goals even when I feel like I can’t do it, and doing it anyway.
5) Working being an overall healthy person (mentally, emotionally, physically)
6) Relationships (letting them go when they are dead and done)
And to end it all, my word for next year issssss (drumroll please)!!
PERSEVERANCE
I realized that I can preserve and I am resilient. I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! You will be hearing more from me soon!
Another day as an adult (who’s happy 2020 is done),
Tasha
Amen